I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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