i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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