Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
