I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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