1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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