I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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