I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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