All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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