wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
