I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
