I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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