I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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