They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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