Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you inspire me to be a worse person
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
