I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
