I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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