I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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