I smell stomach acid.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
