Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize