In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
