: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
