so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
