Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
