Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
