If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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