After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
