I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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