If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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