oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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