I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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