woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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