i already hear my dad disowning me
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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