U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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