I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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