Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Is it penis luge time yet?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
