dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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