I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
