I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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