who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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