im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
