It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Someone came in the potted fern
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
