booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
