I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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