dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
