Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
