My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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