Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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