i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
