She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
