Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize