Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
