thus making me awesome and them whores
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
