lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
