I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize