I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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