he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You were trust falling into bushes
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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