found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
